


Survivor's Guilt

by LexaWard



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Gen, Somnovem, The Astral Plane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-03
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-16 12:15:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29824806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LexaWard/pseuds/LexaWard
Summary: There will be a moment, Mollymauk knows, when this will all be over. Whether in death or with victory, however, he cannot say.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	Survivor's Guilt

Mollymauk sat down and wondered if it was going to be like this.

Would he always need Caleb Widogast in his life or would he be able to go a day, an hour, a minute without thinking of him?

It’d been two years since the man had died by his hand, _Lucien’s hand_ , he reminded because he didn’t need that particular spiral of hatred to start today.

That Caleb had sacrificed himself for Molly, swapped places with him in the dark so that in the brief moment of transference where Lucien was meeting the Somnovem he let Molly back into the tiefling’s body trapping Lucien in the Astral sea. By doing so he’d tried to escape but Lucien had dragged him down with him. Both of them trapped in the madness.

Several missions and failed attempts at either defeating the floating city and nearly being consumed by it several times the Nein had finally come to conclusion that they’d need far stronger abilities or allies in order to take that down or even just separate Caleb out.

He’d been lost. His body alive but vacant. Left in stasis like Halas’ and had been kept safe by Essek until needed again.

Now Mollymauk sat in the war room of the Xhorhouse feeling that creeping sense of guilt again.

He wondered what it did to Beau when he’d died for her back on the road to Shady Creek. It certainly hasn’t gotten easier for him and as he stares at the wooden wall hoping for some guidance or a miracle as he’s once again left in the dark wishing he was stronger than he actually was.

It had impacted the Nein in different ways for each of them.

Mollymauk had been given a grim determination to bring his friend back. He hated debts and he didn’t like the biggest one of someone’s life being placed on his shoulders. He’d always reasoned that he’d slap Caleb when he came back for doing something so fucking stupid. In time he’d only been able to hurt himself with his cursed blades in Caleb’s stead.

Veth had been beside herself he’d never seen anyone go so feral for someone they’d lost, cursing the winds for losing Caleb. Then she’d left, made Jester take them back to Nicodranas and had taken her family and gone off to live in Tal’Dorei with the Empire no longer being an option and Nicodranas having too many memories as it is.

They’d not heard from her since but Molly remembers when she’d grabbed Yeza and Luc into her arms so tightly as if letting go would lose them both. He can’t blame her for leaving before she lost anyone else.

Jester has mourned for Caleb and she has moved on, trying everything in her power to convince her friends of the same. It hasn’t quite worked with all of them or possibly none of them. Sometimes Molly see’s it crack through, the hopelessness of the situation and he sees it no more than when Jester remembers Caleb might like something while they gather supplies or shop and she starts to mention him and then realises.

Fjord for the most part has been able to make his peace with it, but he knows that there’s a chance and if there’s a chance then they will get their friend back then that’s all that matters, he will power through and he will keep what friends he has left safe to do so. 

Beau is a powerhouse of singlemindedness, she has one goal and that is to get her brother back, she will not leave her family behind again, not while he’s being tortured in the Astral sea by whatever-the-fuck-that-thing-is. She’s spent days, weeks and months hold up in towers and libraries across Exandria with one simple goal of to destroy that motherfucking city and get her friend back and that is a burning stubbornness that hasn’t resided in going two years now. Molly wonders if it will burn her out or if she’ll keep going until she physically cannot anymore.

Yasha, wonderful, lovely Yasha, ever-present and Molly knows exactly what she thinks, that what is lost is lost. However, her own heart betrays her as she cannot bear to see Beau is so much pain and while Molly is grateful she’s been able to move on from Zuala he does not bear long on the thought of what it would do to lose Beau to a similar fate as Caleb. Molly will take solace in the fact that the two have each other for when the days truly turn long.

Essek Theyless scares Molly, he hadn’t known a devotion could run so deep and would never have guessed that someone so stoic would spend their every waking moment working with one objective in mind. Sometimes Molly wonders if Essek works so hard because the thought of never being able to tell Caleb he loved him is more painful than the idea of letting him go. Molly thinks his idle fancy must pale in comparison to a love that burns brighter than any star.

It’s hard to read Caduceus Clay, the firbolg Molly met for the first time as his eyes went dark and cast something that fractured the threshold crystal into a million pieces closing the realms. It was for the greater good and Molly finds it difficult to understand if Caduceus is so determined to bring Caleb because he believes it is fate for him to be on this plane or if he feels guilty enough for trapping him there in the first place.

In turn Mollymauk will fight and will keep fighting until either he’s dead or they have Caleb home. At which he’s going to take an incredibly long bath and sob into the ether because finally, _finally_ he’ll be allowed to _live_ again and not just exist hoping he can make amends for the pain he’s already caused.

* * *

In the Astral Sea merged into a city of screaming voices all tortured from madness and single voice stays silent. Having done his years of screaming already there’s no need. This fate has been accepted and perhaps even after everything he’s done to deserve such a tortured existence he has left redeeming mark on the world. Knowing that his friends will continue on without him and that they _will_ move on is enough and it was worth the sacrifice and pain.

**Author's Note:**

> I'll be honest, I felt a little sad and decided to write something with no intention on a beginning, middle or end, just wrote it in about 10 minutes and this monstrosity popped out, I'm sorry.


End file.
